College is a transitional part of our lives, a point between childhood and adulthood where we’re figuring ourselves out and developing long-term goals for the future. And for most people, college is also their first time away from home, living with a complete stranger. A stranger whom you may struggle to set boundaries with.
Dealing with roommates, whether you like them or not, can be an incredibly difficult task– that’s why establishing boundaries with them is essential to ensure your relationship doesn’t sour and that you have a relaxing place to return to after a long day. So how do we assert ourselves and set boundaries?
What Does it Mean to “Set Boundaries?”
The phrase “setting boundaries” may seem simple to some, but it’s challenging to practice for many. To ensure that we’re all on the same page with setting boundaries, let’s go over what it means to do so in the first place:
In psychology, boundaries are essentially invisible lines that every person has that identify acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Boundaries are different for everyone; some people may not want to be physically touched, while others can’t do loud music in their space at night. When we set boundaries, we discuss our personal needs with others to make them clear.
Why We Need Boundaries
People aren’t mind-readers, as much as we sometimes wish they were. Setting boundaries with friends, family, and roommates are essential to:
- Avoid miscommunication
- Improve relationships with others
- Build and exercise resilience
- Build confidence in yourself
- Understand your own needs
Different people have different boundaries, and you may have different boundaries based on your relationship with someone.
Setting Boundaries with Your Roommate, Step By Step
So, how do you set boundaries with a new roommate? When you first want to discuss boundaries, there are generally several steps you should follow. However, you may need to reiterate boundaries to each other from time to time.
Make a List of Your Needs
The first step to setting healthy boundaries is to know them! Make a list of things that make you profoundly uncomfortable or lines you cannot have crossed to ensure that you know exactly what you will talk about. Remember, this list is a living document and is bound to change as you learn and develop!
Set Aside Time to Talk
Next, you’ll need to schedule time with your roommate or roommates to discuss boundaries. If you have multiple roommates, try setting boundaries as a group. When you approach your roommate about setting boundaries, approach them calmly and be honest: you want to set boundaries with them to make sure everyone’s comfortable. The earlier you talk, the better!
Take Turns Talking
When you talk with your roommate or roommates, remember to take turns. It’s easy for us to talk over each other, especially when we’re excited or angry.
Use “I Statements”
An excellent way to set boundaries, especially later on, is through “I statements.” These sentences focus on the speaker instead of the listener’s actions. For example, a way to set boundaries about leaving food out would be:
“When people leave food out all night, I feel anxious and dirty.”
If you’re setting boundaries later on in your relationship, a way to use “I statements” when setting boundaries would be by saying:
“I have difficulty sleeping when you stay up late playing loud music.”
Use the LARA Method
When it comes to setting boundaries with your roommate, try using the LARA Method:
- Listen to what your roommate is saying, and confirm that you’re listening to them with silent body language like eye contact, nodding, or note-taking.
- Affirm and Acknowledge what your roommate says after they finish speaking.
- Respond to what they’ve said by asking what they need from you.
- Add to the conversation by bringing up ideas for working through difficulties together.
Write up a Roommate Agreement
Many colleges require students to sign a “roommate agreement” form to confirm that they’ve spoken with a roommate and have established boundaries. If you and your roommate need to, write up your own agreement with a list of each other’s boundaries and put it somewhere you can both access easily.
Keep Communicating!
Even after your initial boundary session, remember to keep talking with them! You or your roommate may find yourselves discovering new boundaries as you live together, or you may accidentally cross a boundary. It’s all a normal part of living with someone; just make sure you talk it out to prevent future conflict.
Tips to Keep Communal Living Smooth
With boundaries established, there are still a few things to keep in mind to prevent future arguments:
Clean up After Yourself
This one’s pretty simple: if you make a mess, take care of it. Cleaning up after yourself and encouraging your roommate to do the same can help avoid future conflicts.
Ask Permission Before Using Their Stuff
Another relatively simple concept, if your roommate has something you’d like to use, ask them! Make sure that they do the same for you.
Assign Chores
Assigning chores on a calendar or spreadsheet is a great way to ensure things get done around the house without memorizing everyone’s busy schedules. This can also help spread out the work, so one person doesn’t feel like they’re doing everything.
Don’t Force Friendships
Finally, remember that you can’t force someone to be your friend. While some roommates are lifelong best friends, others don’t, and that’s okay!
If you’re looking for more tips to establish boundaries with your roommates or need someone to talk with about the difficulties of young adulthood, schedule an appointment with our expert boundary-setting therapists here.
