Regardless of who you’re dating or your role in a romantic relationship, it’s always difficult to find out that your partner has cheated on you. But what compels people to cheat on their partners, and why do they do it?
The short answer is: many people who cheat on their partners do so when feeling unfulfilled in their relationship. Infidelity is ultimately a result of poor communication from one or both parties in a romantic relationship– to avoid cheating, you’ll need to look at how you and your partner communicate.
Defining Cheating
Before getting into the nature of infidelity and how it happens, let’s define cheating, so we have a baseline to work off of. Generally speaking, there are three main types of infidelity:
- Sexual Infidelity is the most well-known kind of cheating around. It occurs when a partner has sexual relations with another person outside of the relationship.
- Emotional Infidelity involves romantic relations with another person outside of a relationship. While sex is certainly possible here, it’s not necessary for emotional infidelity.
- Online Infidelity is like a mix of sexual and emotional infidelity. The main difference is that all actions are done online instead of in person.
Infidelity vs. Polyamory
I’d also like to point out that infidelity is not synonymous with polyamory. Polyamorous people can have healthy romantic relationships with others, including with multiple partners. Communication is the core component of any healthy relationship; a cheating partner does not communicate their infidelity to their partner or partners. A polyamorous person in a healthy relationship does.
Why do People Cheat?
That brings us to the big question: why do people cheat on their partners?
There are many reasons why someone would cheat on their partner, and usually, those reasons are personal. Here are just a few reasons why someone may cheat on their partner:
Feelings of Unfulfillment or Neglect
The biggest reason why people cheat on their partners is that they do not feel fulfilled in their relationship. Whether it’s sexual or emotional fulfillment, someone may cheat on their partner because they are feeling:
- Neglected by their partner
- Unhappy with the current state of the relationship
- Underappreciated by their partner or partners
- Bored in the relationship
To Boost Self-Esteem
For some people, poor self-esteem may also spur infidelity. While infidelity is generally very emotionally-charged, for some people who cheat, sleeping with other people may be a self-esteem boost. Perhaps it’s the desire to feel desired or that an older person is still attractive to younger people.
Falling out of Love
Falling out of love is an entirely normal part of life. Some people may no longer be romantically attracted to their current partner but feel romantic attraction toward another person.
Situational Forces
In some scenarios, infidelity may also result from a separate event. For example, a partner may have gotten drunk and taken advantage of, or they were sexually harassed or coerced into sex. In these scenarios, it’s best to talk with your partner and support them as they work through their trauma.
On the other hand, someone may cheat on their partner due to their prolonged absence– military leave and business trips are often-cited reasons for cheating on a partner. Alternatively, someone who is naturally a “people pleaser” may wind up cheating by coercion.
Gottman’s Cascade of Betrayal (Cliffnotes Version)
For many couples, infidelity is completely avoidable; it just takes work. Gottman’s concept called the “Cascade of Betrayal” highlights the stages that may lead to infidelity, mainly through feelings of neglect or unfulfillment. Like a waterfall or an avalanche, smaller things fall into larger ones. The process goes like this:
Perceived Lack of Empathy
The whole process starts with a partner feeling hurt by something, then looking for empathy from their partner. The partner doesn’t respond, invalidates the experience, or dismisses it, leaving the individual feeling emotionally neglected.
Stopping the Cascade
At this point, it’s best to communicate with your partner about how you feel and how their responses to your problems make you feel. Try using the ATTUNE format for building emotional awareness for each other:
- Awareness of a partner’s emotions
- Turning towards the emotion to encounter it head-on
- Tolerating each other’s perspective on the emotion
- Understanding that your mutual goal is to process the emotion
- Respond to your partner Non-Defensively (use “I” statements!)
- Try to Empathize with your partner
Negative Emotions Develop
After a while, the individual may feel as though their partner isn’t there for them, and thus negative emotions start to develop. You may wonder “why your partner doesn’t want to be there for you” or “why you’re the only one who seems to be putting effort into the relationship.”
Stopping the Cascade
You can still work with your partner using the ATTUNE method to overcome and understand negative emotions. However, explaining to your partner that you feel emotionally neglected first is best. Then, you can work with your partner to find ways that both of you can feel emotionally fulfilled.
- Decrease in Relationship Investment
The negative emotions that first build from a perceived lack of empathy will result in both parties investing less and less effort into their relationship. A general decrease in communication between partners also signifies a decrease in investment, eventually leading to no communication on either end.
Stopping the Cascade
If you catch yourself at this stage, ask yourself: “why don’t I want to speak with my partner about my feelings?” Then, follow up with, “what makes me feel this way?” Before getting into a serious conversation about emotional fulfillment, make sure you fully understand why you’re feeling unfulfilled.
Maximizing Negative Traits
A decrease in investment leads to a partner paying more attention to negative traits in a relationship. The emphasis on the negatives encourages less relationship investment as well.
Decrease in Desire for Relationship Fulfillment
At this point in the cascade, you or your partner may feel unsafe coming to each other for emotional support. The lack of safety for emotional support thus leads to a general decrease in the desire for emotional connection or sex.
Stopping the Cascade
Just like the previous steps, it’s essential to ask yourself why you’re feeling these negative emotions or why they stand out to you if they didn’t before. At this point, consider speaking with a therapist for advice as well, so you can communicate your needs and feelings in a safe environment.
Seeking Outlet for Relationship Fulfillment Elsewhere
Once the decrease in desire reaches a certain threshold, people will consider cheating. Remember that the threshold is different for everyone, so the best way to avoid reaching it is to communicate using the ATTUNE method to ensure that all your bases are covered.
If you and your partner are going through a rough patch, it’s okay– that’s how life is. It doesn’t mean that you have to go through these experiences alone, either. Schedule a session with one of our couples counselors here.
