Dissociative Identity Disorder, or DID, is a frequently-misunderstood mental health diagnosis. The stigma surrounding DID and clients with this disorder is based in fear and ignorance. People with DID can be loving partners and friends, and if you’re in a relationship with someone who has DID, there are many things that you can do to support them.
What Is Dissociative Identity Disorder?
DID is a mental health condition that is characterized by a person’s identity fragmenting into two or more distinct personality states, frequently referred to as “alters.” These alters may contrast strongly against the person’s primary identity, and details like name, reported age, personality, and even gender may be different. The person’s vocabulary and mood may shift dramatically between alters, too.
DID was previously known as multiple personality disorder. The name was changed to reflect a better understanding of how the condition functions. DID represents the fragmentation of identity rather than new personalities growing and proliferating.
Symptoms of DID
DID is a rare condition and is virtually always the result of significant trauma or abuse. The primary symptom of DID is having two or more distinct personality states. These different personality states– the alters– may appear at different times, and may or may not be aware of each other.
Other symptoms of DID include:
- Memory loss and lapses in forming new memories
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Dissociation without personality state changes
- Depersonalization
- Dissociative fugue states
- Distorted sense of time
- Mood swings
- Insomnia and other disordered sleep patterns
- Nightmares
- Flashbacks
- Behavioral changes related to trauma
- Suicidality and self harm
DID often occurs alongside other mental health conditions like major depressive disorder and different anxiety disorders. If your partner has DID, they may also have PTSD. Many of the symptoms overlap, and only a qualified mental health practitioner should try to diagnose somebody with DID.
Key Elements of Supporting a Partner with DID
With the right support, a person with DID can thrive in a relationship. The condition has many challenges, but if you and your partner work together as a team, you can have a wonderful, loving, and mutually supportive relationship.
Communication Is Key
The first thing you need to realize when a partner has DID is that your relationship with their primary personality may differ from your relationship with their alters. Remember, the alternate personality states may not be aware of each other and may have different feelings towards people in their lives.
In some cases, your partner’s alters may have a different approach towards their relationship with you. Each alter may have their own need for space, boundaries, and triggers. You need to respect this, and be open to discussing your needs and your partner’s needs with their various alters.
It is also important to be aware that some alters may not like you or have romantic feelings towards you. If one of your partner’s alters wants some space, respect that boundary. Pushing things won’t help. At the same time, you need to maintain your own boundaries. Remember that you and your partner are in this together, and that neither of you should shoulder the burden of communication alone. Communicate your support and let your partner know that they are accepted, valued, and loved.
Radical Acceptance
You cannot make your partner’s DID go away. You cannot fix it, and trying to do so can be very harmful to your relationship. Instead, the best thing you can do for both your partner and yourself is to practice radical acceptance around your partner’s DID. Radical acceptance is accepting what you cannot control and embracing what is happening in a non-judgmental way.
Your partner’s DID may cause them distress, and it can be so hard to watch someone you love struggle with their mental health. But don’t try to be their savior or their therapist. That’s not who you are. You’re their partner, and the best thing you can do for them is to accept them and love them for who they are. Check out this blog on Not being your mental illness here.
Patience
One of the most frustrating things for a person with DID to deal with is the aspect of memory loss. Many people with DID experience dissociative fugue states, where new memories are not formed. They may find themselves in situations where they have no memory of how they got there, and these memory lapses can be really upsetting. Additionally, memories formed by one alter may not transfer to another, including memories of time spent with you or about aspects of your relationship.
This doesn’t mean that these events weren’t important to your partner, or that they don’t care. Approach your partner’s memory lapses with as much patience as you can, and use neutral language when talking about them. Don’t imply that your partner is forgetful or careless– they cannot control these memory lapses.
Fight Isolation
One of the most important things you can do for your partner with DID is simply show up and be there for them. Try to learn as much as you can about the disorder, and offer to go to family or couples therapy with them. Encouraging professional help for both of you can lead to stable, positive outcomes and a healthier relationship. Patience and kindness can go a long way towards helping your partner feel less alone and isolated by DID.
Another isolating aspect of DID is the potential for mood swings and sudden behavioral shifts. Staying calm and accepting these changes as they occur can help create a stable environment for your partner. Stability may lessen the intensity of these behavioral changes and make them less upsetting and stressful for your partner to experience. Providing a safe, stable environment will make your partner feel supported and loved.
Know The Signs of Switching
There is no surefire way to predict when a person with DID will switch alters– but there are signs that you can observe that may indicate a switch is occurring. On the worst days or after exposure to strong triggers, your partner may rapidly cycle through alters.
Switching may or may not have visible effects on your partner. Here are some of the common signs that switching may be occurring:
- Rapid mood swings
- Sudden behavioral changes
- Dissociating or “zoning out”
- Changes in speech patterns
- Changes in vocabulary
- Abrupt change in facial expression
- Slowed blinking
- Avoidance of eye contact
- Confusion, especially about time and location
- Memory loss
- Vocal signs like sighing and clearing the throat
- Changes in abilities and skills
It is also helpful to communicate with your partner about their triggers. A trigger is any stimulus that causes a painful memory or symptom to resurface. Not all of your partner’s alters may be entirely aware of what their triggers are, and different triggers may vary in their effect on each alter.
Having a partner with a mental health condition like DID is challenging. You should never feel guilty about needing additional help or support. Therapy and counseling can be very helpful for both of you. If you feel like you could use additional support in your relationship, reach out and schedule an appointment. We’re here for you!
