If things are going well with your partner, then couples therapy is likely the farthest thing from your mind. But maybe it shouldn’t be; couples therapy can be a beneficial tool in your relationship anytime.
Here are five reasons why it’s still a good idea to seek out couples therapy, even when things are going well:
Couples Therapy Provides a Safe Space to Discuss Goals and Wishes
Relationships, marriages, and people are constantly evolving. Going to therapy before there are major relationship issues can help couples learn about their current wishes and future goals each other has individually and as a couple. These goals can always change, so talking about them is important.
Of course, couples can talk about their goals and wishes independently, without a professional. But for many, professional help is often helpful in guiding questions and getting the conversation to go deeper than surface level.
On your own, the questions might be, “I want to live in this place” or “I want to have this type of job,” but these phrases often have a deeper meaning. Couples therapists are trained to know what type of questions to ask to go below their surface meaning so couples can have deeper conversations with each other.
Therapy is a safe space for you to explore these goals. Therapists can be a sort of “referee.” You might end up pushing each other’s buttons by bringing up these conversations if you were to have them on your own. A therapist can guide that conversation back to being more of an idealistic type of conversation instead of an adversarial one.
These conversations are often about accepting one person’s influence while the other might have a completely different dream. Being able to compromise and come up with something together often requires a third party to help with that.
If you’re worried that you’re not good at communicating, you’ve already got an excellent reason to come to therapy. Before things get too messy, a couples therapist can help put the right communication foundations in place, so you and your partner can avoid an adversarial conversation. For many couples, communication struggles can indicate that you’re not on the same page. A relationship therapist can help get you back on the same page or at least help you understand what page you’re on.
Highlight Your Relationship Strengths and Weaknesses
At DK therapy, we practice mainly Gottman Method Couples Therapy. During the first session, your therapist will find out what you and your partner do well and what might need some tweaking. Talking about strengths and weaknesses and discovering your similarities and differences is an integral part of getting to know a couple. A relationship therapist must understand each partner’s strengths and weaknesses before therapy can continue.
The Gottman School of Couples Therapy also requires the therapist to meet with each member of the couple individually. These sessions are crucial for dredging up individual issues. After all, everyone has their own baggage. Some people have issues from their childhood, and others have issues from previous relationships that they bring into the current relationship. Knowing the person and what they bring to the metaphorical table helps direct the couple’s therapy.
Plus, people are different when they’re not with their partner. They tell you different things. By meeting with each partner individually, your therapist can identify the individual’s goals versus the couple’s goals and see where they overlap. Therapists can also view an individual’s weaknesses and what they need to work on.
Couples Therapy Creates a Forum to Discuss Major Life Changes
You might be surprised to learn this, but many people don’t even talk about major life changes before they come up. They get to the big decision and say, “Whoa, we completely have two different views on this. What should we do?” Then, they come to couples therapy.
It’s much easier to talk about hypothetical situations: ones that will be coming up rather than ones you’re already knee-deep in. And creating a safe space—a neutral space—is important.
But one thing to note is that a therapist isn’t there to tell you what to do. So many people come to therapy saying, ‘I’m looking for advice”, but a friend or family member is better equipped to give advice than a therapist. A therapist will help you weed through stuff you already know about yourselves to find the best course of action to take. You already have the answers you want– it’s just being able to have that comfortable space to express that to the other person. That’s the environment couples therapists create.
Learn Communicative Skills in Case Problems Arise
The John Gottman School of Couples Therapy identifies two groups of problems that couples typically have: a solvable problem and a perpetual problem. A solvable problem is something like, “where should we go for dinner?” A perpetual problem is something that comes up time and time again. A perpetual problem leaves you feeling like you have the same conversation or argument repeatedly without any resolution.”
But even the question “where should we go for dinner?” can be a perpetual problem. The meat of the question – and the problem – isn’t really about where you should go for dinner. It’s “do you pay attention to me?” or “do you like what I like?” And if the answer is no, that can create havoc for couples.
Going to therapy before perpetual problems arise means that you’ll learn how to respond to them in a healthy way, and where you’ll both know where you stand on things in a place that allows for compromise.
A Proactive Approach to Therapy Makes Sessions Shorter and Easier in the Long Run
How is there less unpacking if you start while things are good? It goes back to the perpetual problems: if there are fewer perpetual problems to work through because you’re not having disagreements over and over again, then you’re not going to be as sensitive to topics that are brought up. You approach discussions like you are on the same team rather than facing your enemy.
When issues come up repeatedly, you start to feel resentful but getting to these issues before they become perpetual problems can help lessen that blow.
Consulting a couples therapist before things get tough is also significantly less expensive than going through it once things get tough. You might be thinking, “Less expensive? Isn’t it cheaper to just not do therapy at all?” While that is true, divorce is costly, and divorce attorneys charge way more than therapists. Even if that option isn’t on the table, regularly going to couples therapy can give couples an excellent foundation to work off of when problems do arise.
If you or your partner want to strengthen your relationship, contact us for an appointment today.
