Arguing with your teenage children can be one of the most difficult things you have to deal with as a parent. When a young person reaches the age at which they seek independence, they may push you in ways you’re not ready for. In these situations, it’s crucial to maintain your composure.
During an argument with your teenage children, avoid these four types of phrases.
1- Phrases That Make Unfair Comparisons
Example: “You’re just like your [family member].”
Phrases that make unfair comparisons or point out how unlike another person your child may be aren’t productive things to say during an argument. These statements only serve to remind your child that, during this situation, you don’t think very highly of them. Though you may very well draw comparisons mentally between your child and someone else, it’s best to keep those observations from being expressed verbally.
Instead of asking your child why they cannot be like someone they aren’t, ask direct and actionable questions like, “Can you try to do X or Y?”
2- Meaningless Explanation Phrases
Example: “Because I’m your mother/father!”
These phrases may end the argument, but they don’t end it in a very productive way. Of course, you ARE your child’s parent and you have every right to impose the rules you see fit. However, if your child asks you why this rule exists, take a different route when you explain. Remember that you don’t have to explain your reasoning, but if you want your child to understand where you’re coming from, providing them with a simple explanation can be effective.
For example, if your teenager asks why they aren’t permitted to go out with friends on a weeknight, you could say, “Because it’s a school night,” and leave it at that.
3- Phrases You Can Never Unsay
Example: “You make me wish I never became a parent.”
As frustrating as it is to have a heated argument with your teenage child, avoid saying things like this at all costs. Once they’re said, the damage is done, even if you didn’t truly mean what you said. Your child will take it seriously and depending on how harsh the comment was, it will hurt their feelings long after the argument has passed.
When you’re getting to the point where you’re about to explode and say things you don’t mean, take a break. Put the argument on hold and take a moment to cool off.
4- Phrases That Invalidate
Example: “That is a silly thing to be upset about.”
Even if your child’s current issue doesn’t seem important in the grand scheme of things, try not to invalidate how they feel. Try to remember when you were their age and things that are unimportant to you now seemed like such a big deal. While it’s okay to think this thought privately, try to avoid saying it out loud. Instead, do your best to listen, be supportive, and bestow wisdom upon your child that time has granted you.
No parent is perfect, and as much as we try, we’re going to make mistakes. If you happen to say something you later regret, apologize and learn from the experience. The more steps you take toward having healthy, productive discussions with your child, the more steps you take away from using phrases that you’re going to feel bad about later.
