While it is true that all couples argue at some point or another, it doesn’t mean that many of these arguments are unavoidable.

Some people believe that if couples never argue, it means they are not talking about serious issues. However, there are ways for couples to have tough conversations that don’t escalate into fights.

Oftentimes, big conversations turn into arguments because people feel unheard, blamed, ignored, or belittled.

By being conscious about how you are communicating with your partner, you can help prevent them from experiencing these negative feelings that can lead to arguments.

Here are five tips to help prevent arguments in your relationship:

1. Choose the right time to discuss touchy topics

Communication is key, and you never want to bottle up your feelings until they become too big for you to handle.

However, when it comes to discussing complicated or touchy subjects, there are certain moments that will work better than others.

While it is important for you to let your partner know if they have done something to frustrate or upset you, trying to have that conversation right as they head out the door for work or when they are in the middle of a project is going to lead to an argument.

Couple having an argument at probably not the best time…

To have the best results, you will want to pick a good time to have tough conversations. If you’re not sure if it is a good time, ASK:

• • A- ask your partner is now a good time to talk. If they say no, respect their answer, and see if there is a time later that would work better for them. You want them to be able to give their undivided attention, so it’s important to see if there is a time when they are able to do so.
  • S- share the nature of your conversation first. No one wants to feel bombarded by a tough conversation. Let them know what the conversation will be about so they can decide whether or not they are ready to have this talk right now.

• K- keep your partner’s feelings in mind. If you know your partner is always exhausted immediately after coming home from work, that is not going to be a good time for a hard conversation. If you know your partner has spent all day looking forward to watching a specific sporting event, taking a nap, or enjoying a warm bath, don’t try to talk about touchy topics during this time.

2. Talk about yourself

No, this doesn’t mean that you ignore your partner’s feelings and center the conversation on yourself. It just means that instead of placing blame on your partner or trying to label their thoughts and feelings, you communicate your own.

Identify why this issue is important to you, use “I” statements to talk about your feelings and needs, and don’t assume your partner’s intentions.

This will help you communicate your feelings clearly, prevent your partner from becoming defensive, and let your partner see how you are being affected by a certain situation.

For example, if you go into a conversation saying, “You swear too much when you’re angry. You’re always swearing at me,” you are opening the door for an argument. They might feel defensive and want to say, “No, I don’t!” or “Well, you swear a lot, too,” or “I’m allowed to swear. Stop nagging me!”

However, if you were to say, “When I am sworn at, I feel anxious and uncomfortable,” your partner may be more receptive to how you are feeling and what they can do to help you feel more at ease.

Instead of assuming their feelings and saying, “You never spend time with me. I know you don’t love me,” try saying, “When I don’t feel like I have someone to support me, it makes me feel unloved” or “I feel unloved when I have to spend time by myself every day.”

Now, instead of being defensive, your partner can communicate and work with you to create a solution to the problem you’re facing. 

3. Listen to understand

We’ve all had moments where we were thinking about what we want to say next instead of fully listening to someone when having a conversation.

The problem with doing this in a relationship is that it means that your partner will feel unheard, and the two of you won’t be able to take steps toward ameliorating any negative situations.

Make sure you are listening to understand, not to have fuel for a debate. If your only focus is on formulating your counter-argument or a strong reply to what they are saying, you aren’t truly hearing your partner, which can leave them feeling misunderstood, defensive, or combative.

If your partner says they feel frustrated when you interrupt them, you won’t make any progress toward helping them feel better if all you’re thinking about is when you can bring up something they do that frustrates you.

Try to listen to what they are saying without focusing on your response as they are speaking.

4. Make your partner feel heard

Use language that shows you are trying to understand what your partner is communicating to you.

When people feel misunderstood, judged, or ignored, it often makes them feel angry, which can lead to arguments.

If your partner shares something with you, try to validate their feelings and demonstrate that you are trying to hear and understand their point of view.

Here are some sentence starters that you can try out:

• What I am understanding is…
• What I hear you saying is…
• It sounds like you’re feeling…
• Let me make sure I have this right, I hear you saying…

When your partner feels heard, they will be less likely to be argumentative and upset with you while having a tough conversation.

5. Feel free to take a break

Despite your best efforts, there are going to be times when conversations start to get heated. Rather than allowing these conversations to blow up into a major argument, try to take a break from the conversation to cool down.

Make sure you do this in a way that doesn’t make your partner feel ignored or invalidated. Don’t simply walk away without any explanation or say “this conversation is over” and leave. You also want to avoid putting blame on your partner for any escalation.

Instead, try the following:

• Use “I” statements to let them know that you are feeling overwhelmed or upset, and would like to take a breather before continuing the conversation.
• Explain to them that while you understand their feelings, you think it might be a good idea for the two of you to revisit the conversation in a few minutes or later that night when it might be a better time to talk.

This way, you can return to the conversation when you are in a better headspace and prevent the argument from escalating further.

With these five steps in mind, you can improve your communication with your partner and keep yourselves from having serious arguments.