When people picture the holiday season, they often envision picturesque Hallmark channel moments where loved ones are gathered together making cherished holiday memories.

But life isn’t a Hallmark movie, especially for people who have to spend the holidays with toxic family members.

If you find yourself dreading the holiday season because of the negative emotions associated with spending time with your family, you’re not alone.

However, there are some steps you can take that can help alleviate these feelings and help you survive the holidays this year.

Here are five tips to help you make it through the holidays:

1. Establish your boundaries

Sometimes people are afraid to set boundaries with their family members because they don’t want to be seen as rude or difficult. However, these same people often find themselves lashing out at others, feeling heartbroken, or otherwise struggling to cope with their emotions when their family members cross lines. 

Establishing boundaries can help you prevent your emotions from escalating and spiraling out of control during the holidays.

If you have relatives that tend to make triggering comments about your weight or the amount of food you eat when you visit for the holidays, try establishing boundaries by:

  • Letting them know ahead of time that you will not be attending a holiday celebration with them if they make those remarks this year
  • Deciding to only attend family holiday activities that aren’t centered around meals or food-related activities like decorating cookies

If you know that your parents will overwhelm you with an unreasonable amount of responsibilities and errands, establish boundaries by:

  • Volunteering to do one or two specific tasks in advance, like picking up a relative from the airport or picking up food from the grocery store, and being clear that these are the only tasks you plan on doing
  • Learning to decline invitations by saying things like, “I am not comfortable completing all of the tasks on this list, but I am happy to help you finish one of these errands if you let me know which one is most important to you.”

If you have a relative that makes hurtful comments, you can establish boundaries by:

  • Telling them, “I feel uncomfortable when you make [racist, sexist, negative, etc.] comments, and I’m going to have to leave if you make another hurtful comment today.”
  • Limiting the amount of time you spend with these family members

When you reflect on what made you feel frustrated, anxious, or angry last holiday season, you will know what boundaries you need to set to protect yourself this year.

Establish these boundaries and stick to them, especially when it’s a challenge to do so, and you will find that your experience with your family this year will be far more pleasant.

2. Set realistic expectations

Unrealistic expectations are just pre-planned resentments. 

If your aunt gives you a hard time about being single every single year, you are only going to experience disappointment and resentment if you head into your holiday gathering this year expecting things to be different.

Unless some major changes have happened in the past year, your toxic family members are going to be the same as they were last year.

Instead of wishing things would be different and setting yourself up for disappointment, set realistic expectations and attainable goals.

Maybe you can’t expect your aunt not to make a negative comment this year, but you can set realistic expectations regarding the way you choose to respond to these comments this year or the boundaries you plan to set so that you are less affected by these comments.

This way, you will be mentally prepared for the situations you will face when you spend time with your family during the holidays.

3. Pick your battles

Unfortunately, many people who hold toxic views are set in their ways. While there is always hope that they may expand their horizons or see a situation from a different point of view, when it comes down to it, there is likely nothing you are going to be able to say or do to change their minds this holiday season.

Your uncle who wants to spew his political beliefs isn’t going to switch parties after getting into a heated debate with you. Your grandmother who believes every toxic view she reads on Facebook isn’t going to change her mind or only look at credible news sources after hearing your compelling arguments.

Don’t put the onus on yourself to educate your family members, and don’t allow yourself to get even more frustrated during the holiday season by getting into arguments at the dinner table.

Protect your sanity by learning to let go and choosing your battles wisely during the holidays.

4. Plan times to check-in with a friend

When you’re surrounded by toxic family members, it can be easy to feel like you are all alone or like you are fighting a losing battle.

Talking to a trusted friend can remind you that you have someone on your side and that you only have to deal with your family for a limited amount of time.

Having the support of a friend can help you overcome tough circumstances, and having a friend to talk through complicated emotions can provide comfort when you need it most.

5. Carve out time for self-care

Although the holidays are a busy time, it is important for you to set aside time each day for self-care. 

Whether this means waking up before the rest of the family and going on a run, doing a brief guided meditation or journaling before bed, taking 15 minutes to read a chapter of a book, or any other restorative activity that helps you feel calm, make this time a priority.

While there is no denying that the holidays can be a stressful time, when you keep these five tips in mind, you will find that spending time with your family may be a lot more manageable.