When people picture the holiday season, they often envision Hallmark moments where loved ones are gathered together, making cherished memories. But life isn’t a Hallmark movie, especially for people who have to spend the holidays with toxic family members.
If you find yourself dreading the thought of spending time with your family this holiday season, you’re not alone.
Fortunately, there are some steps you can take to alleviate these feelings and help you survive the holidays.
Here are five tips to help you make it through the holidays:
1. Establish your boundaries
Sometimes people are afraid to set boundaries with their family members because they don’t want to be seen as rude or difficult. However, these same people often find themselves lashing out at others or struggling to cope with their emotions when family members cross lines.
Establishing boundaries can help you prevent your emotions from escalating and spiraling out of control during the holidays.
Examples of Polite Boundaries
Let’s say you have relatives who tend to make triggering comments about your weight or the amount of food you eat when you visit for the holidays. Try establishing boundaries by:
- Letting them know ahead of time that you will not be attending a holiday celebration with them if they make those remarks this year.
- Deciding to only attend family holiday activities that aren’t centered around meals or food-related activities.
If you know that your parents will overwhelm you with an unreasonable amount of responsibilities and errands, establish boundaries by:
- Volunteering to do one or two specific tasks in advance. You might choose to pick up a relative from the airport or get food from the grocery store. Be clear that these are the only tasks you plan on doing.
- Learning to decline invitations by saying things like, “I am not comfortable completing all of the tasks on this list, but I am happy to help you finish one of these errands.”
Maybe you have a relative who makes intentionally inflammatory comments. You can establish boundaries by:
- Telling them, “I feel uncomfortable when you say such things. I’m going to leave if you make another hurtful comment today.”
- Limiting the amount of time you spend with these family members.
When you reflect on what made you feel frustrated, anxious, or angry last holiday season, you will know what boundaries you need to set this year.
Set these boundaries and stick to them, especially when it’s a challenge to do so. You may find that your experience with your family this year will be far more pleasant.
2. Set realistic expectations
Unrealistic expectations are just pre-planned resentments when it comes to a toxic family.
Maybe your aunt gives you a hard time about being single every single year. You are only going to experience disappointment and resentment if you head into your holiday gathering this year expecting things to be different.
Unless some major changes have happened in the past year, your toxic family members are going to be the same as always.
Instead of wishing things would be different and setting yourself up for disappointment, set realistic expectations.
Expecting your aunt not to make a negative comment this year might be a big ask. But you can set realistic expectations regarding the way you choose to respond to these comments. You also have control over the boundaries you plan to set so that you are less affected by her.
This way, you will be mentally prepared for the situations you will face when you spend time with your family during the holidays.
3. Pick your battles
Unfortunately, many people who hold toxic views are set in their ways. There’s always hope that they’ll expand their horizons or see a situation from a different point of view. When it comes down to it, though, there is likely nothing you are going to be able to say or do to change their minds this holiday season.
Your uncle, who wants to spew his political beliefs, isn’t going to switch parties after getting into a heated debate with you. And your grandmother, who believes everything she reads on Facebook, isn’t going to change her mind or look at credible news sources after hearing your compelling arguments.
Don’t put the onus on yourself to educate your family members. In addition, don’t allow yourself to get even more frustrated during the holiday season by getting into arguments.
Protect your sanity by learning to let go and choosing your battles wisely during the holidays.
4. Plan times to check in with a friend
When you’re surrounded by toxic family members, it can be easy to feel like you are all alone or like you are fighting a losing battle.
Talking to a trusted friend can remind you that you have someone on your side and that you only have to deal with your family for a limited time.
The support of a friend can help you overcome tough circumstances. Having a friend to talk through complicated emotions can provide comfort when you need it most.
5. Carve out time for self-care
Although the holidays are a busy time, it is important for you to set aside time each day for self-care.
This could mean waking up before the rest of the family and going on a run. It could mean doing a brief guided meditation or journaling before bed. Maybe taking 15 minutes to read a chapter of a book would help ease your mind. Participate in any other restorative activity that helps you feel calm, and make this time a priority.
While there is no denying that the holidays can be a stressful time, when you keep these five tips in mind, you will find that spending time with your family may be a lot more manageable.
