Committing to change can be difficult. Often times people hold off on taking the first step due to it “not being the right time” in their lives. As a practicing Catholic, I look to Lent as a great time to make a positive life change. For many of us, whether religious, secular, or in between, there are many such meaningful annual milestones to look toward as a motivation for making positive change. In my case with Lent, I decided I would sacrifice alcohol and I would add a daily prayer practice. Perhaps a secular person might do the same with a birthday or a New Year’s Resolution.
All the same, annual milestones for positive change can be productive and healthy things to build from every year and can be chosen individually to best fit our individual motivations for positive and sustainable self-improvement.
As I begin this process in my case with Lent, my self-talk wavers between minimizing the difficulty of giving up a bottle of wine, as it’s not a significant immediate loss, and recognizing the social significance I’ll have to adjust to in the upcoming months possibly not partaking in alcoholic social occasions as much. It’s an opportunity to dedicate the saved money as such to charity and to explore a different way of connecting to the loved ones I share that wine with. My drinking companions are of course not obligated or expected to abstain from drinking, and I look forward to exploring what changes will be promoted in our relationship. I also thought about when I would have time to pray, I struggled to think about when I would get some quiet moments. Praying daily, something I have found to have a great positive benefit for me in the past, just as daily meditation or self-reflection might for a secular person, was not something that I had done in earnest since the diagnosis of leukemia in one of my children. Would my practice of prayer get put to the back-burner when life gets too busy? What would I even pray about? Having read that it’s at times best to have a prayer focus, I decided my focus would be on thankfulness and others who need support. I’d like the opportunity to give back and provide the dozens of prayer groups and countless individuals with the same type of support they gave me and my family during our trying time. The same could perhaps be said for self-reflection and meditation versions of this for a person that is secular. The psychological aspects of Lent are not to be overlooked, as each individual participating is embarking on a period of change. Many of us will quickly and completely quit drinking, smoking, or eating meat only to embarrassingly find ourselves lighting up that cigarette out of sheer habit the moment we wake up. Similar struggles to say a person, not of faith with New Year’s Resolutions. Let’s not forget the emotional longing – not eating meat on Ash Wednesday has reminded me how much I like bacon! Simple strategies will help to reinforce good intentions.
- Make your intentions known and have a pleasant substitute for the item of abstinence. My sister knows I’m not drinking with her and she’s prepared to hold me accountable while she indulges. I’ll be sipping sparkling water as a replacement. A secular person with similar or different goals could find an accountability partner as such as well.
- Use a calendar or online reminder to reinforce your goal. An Orthodox mother of 4 devised a brilliant calendar and freezer system to prepare for the additional challenges Lent brings for feeding her family. A person not of faith could do similar with resolutions for a new year or a month on a regular basis.
- Set aside the time necessary for the goal. My personal goal of praying daily will require nothing but my time. I’ve decided to use my commute time to pray with an app. My lunch break and thirty minutes before bed are other times in my day, I can accomplish this task. Similar strategies could easily work with secular self-reflection or meditation.
Ultimately, Lent provides an opportunity to practice change as do many other secular annual milestones. Forty days of consistency from Lent can provide the boost needed to make greater strides in self-improvement, from our spiritual and secular positivity and fitness to our awareness of our social interactions and dynamics. You also do not need to be devotedly religious or religious at all to practice this change either. [/av_textblock] [/av_one_full]
3 Tips to Keep Your Commitments To Positive Changes
/in From the Therapist's Chair, Individual TherapyCommitting to change can be difficult. Often times people hold off on taking the first step due to it “not being the right time” in their lives. As a practicing Catholic, I look to Lent as a great time to make a positive life change. For many of us, whether religious, secular, or in between, there are many such meaningful annual milestones to look toward as a motivation for making positive change. In my case with Lent, I decided I would sacrifice alcohol and I would add a daily prayer practice. Perhaps a secular person might do the same with a birthday or a New Year’s Resolution.
As I begin this process in my case with Lent, my self-talk wavers between minimizing the difficulty of giving up a bottle of wine, as it’s not a significant immediate loss, and recognizing the social significance I’ll have to adjust to in the upcoming months possibly not partaking in alcoholic social occasions as much. It’s an opportunity to dedicate the saved money as such to charity and to explore a different way of connecting to the loved ones I share that wine with. My drinking companions are of course not obligated or expected to abstain from drinking, and I look forward to exploring what changes will be promoted in our relationship. I also thought about when I would have time to pray, I struggled to think about when I would get some quiet moments. Praying daily, something I have found to have a great positive benefit for me in the past, just as daily meditation or self-reflection might for a secular person, was not something that I had done in earnest since the diagnosis of leukemia in one of my children. Would my practice of prayer get put to the back-burner when life gets too busy? What would I even pray about? Having read that it’s at times best to have a prayer focus, I decided my focus would be on thankfulness and others who need support. I’d like the opportunity to give back and provide the dozens of prayer groups and countless individuals with the same type of support they gave me and my family during our trying time. The same could perhaps be said for self-reflection and meditation versions of this for a person that is secular. The psychological aspects of Lent are not to be overlooked, as each individual participating is embarking on a period of change. Many of us will quickly and completely quit drinking, smoking, or eating meat only to embarrassingly find ourselves lighting up that cigarette out of sheer habit the moment we wake up. Similar struggles to say a person, not of faith with New Year’s Resolutions. Let’s not forget the emotional longing – not eating meat on Ash Wednesday has reminded me how much I like bacon! Simple strategies will help to reinforce good intentions.
Ultimately, Lent provides an opportunity to practice change as do many other secular annual milestones. Forty days of consistency from Lent can provide the boost needed to make greater strides in self-improvement, from our spiritual and secular positivity and fitness to our awareness of our social interactions and dynamics. You also do not need to be devotedly religious or religious at all to practice this change either. [/av_textblock] [/av_one_full]
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/in In the Media6 Pieces Of Dating Advice Your Single Friend Is Tired Of Hearing From You
/in In the MediaDanielle contributed the following to a Huffington Post article about dating advice that your single friends are hearing from you:
“2. ‘You’re being too picky. You need to lower your standards.’
Standards exist for a reason, so be respectful of your friends’ non-negotiables. If your friend is adamant that they don’t want kids or is looking for a partner who’s
their financial equal, respect those choices. Chipping away at those standards is likely to result in an incompatible match.
“When you tell a friend to lower their standards, you’re telling them to give up on essential needs they’re looking for in a partner,” said Danielle Kepler, a therapist in Chicago. “Giving up on those needs might result in dating someone who they won’t ever reach compromise with, especially if they disregard goals and dreams for their future by dating them.”
5. ‘Maybe you’d have better luck if you put more effort into what you wear.’
Yes, a little effort goes a long way when you’re going on a first date or looking to meet people at the bar or an event. That said, if your friend is comfortable and looks relatively put together when they go out, don’t suggest they take the trouble to buy a whole new outfit. Let them be, and cool it with the judgment, Kepler said.
“Putting on a façade by dressing different than you usually would dress, or putting in way more effort than you usually would, is kind of like false advertising,” she said. “You shouldn’t have to drastically change your appearance to attract a partner and putting yourself in that mindset doesn’t help your self-esteem while on a date.”
Read the entire article here.
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/in In the MediaCouples Therapists Reveal the Ingredients that Make the Biggest Impact on Your Relationship
/in In the MediaI contributed to the following to a PsychCentral article about ingredients that make the biggest impact on relationships:
“Danielle Kepler LCPC, who specializes in couples counseling, also said that repairing before, during and after an argument is vital. It helps you have productive conversations and reduces the tendency of being critical or defensive. “When people feel like their partner is attacking them, they physiologically are unable to take in what the other person is saying due to perceiving their partner as a threat.”
Repairing during an argument might be saying, “I’m feeling really defensive right now, can you reword that last part?” Repairing after an argument includes reflecting on your own. You might think about what happened during the argument to trigger you—exploring whether you’ve felt this way before, as a child or in past relationships.
Then you and your partner process the argument together. Both of you talk about the mistakes you made, and genuinely apologize (by fully understanding and acknowledging how each of you hurt the other). Doing so helps “to wipe the slate clean and not hold onto negative feelings towards one another,” Kepler said.”
Read the entire article here.
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/in In the Media