I contributed to the following to a PsychCentral article about ingredients that make the biggest impact on relationships:“Danielle Kepler LCPC, who specializes in couples counseling, also said that repairing before, during and after an argument is vital. It helps you have productive conversations and reduces the tendency of being critical or defensive. “When people feel like their partner is attacking them, they physiologically are unable to take in what the other person is saying due to perceiving their partner as a threat.”
Repairing during an argument might be saying, “I’m feeling really defensive right now, can you reword that last part?” Repairing after an argument includes reflecting on your own. You might think about what happened during the argument to trigger you—exploring whether you’ve felt this way before, as a child or in past relationships.
Then you and your partner process the argument together. Both of you talk about the mistakes you made, and genuinely apologize (by fully understanding and acknowledging how each of you hurt the other). Doing so helps “to wipe the slate clean and not hold onto negative feelings towards one another,” Kepler said.”
Read the entire article here.
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/in In the Media“2. ‘You’re being too picky. You need to lower your standards.’
Standards exist for a reason, so be respectful of your friends’ non-negotiables. If your friend is adamant that they don’t want kids or is looking for a partner who’s
their financial equal, respect those choices. Chipping away at those standards is likely to result in an incompatible match.
“When you tell a friend to lower their standards, you’re telling them to give up on essential needs they’re looking for in a partner,” said Danielle Kepler, a therapist in Chicago. “Giving up on those needs might result in dating someone who they won’t ever reach compromise with, especially if they disregard goals and dreams for their future by dating them.”
5. ‘Maybe you’d have better luck if you put more effort into what you wear.’
Yes, a little effort goes a long way when you’re going on a first date or looking to meet people at the bar or an event. That said, if your friend is comfortable and looks relatively put together when they go out, don’t suggest they take the trouble to buy a whole new outfit. Let them be, and cool it with the judgment, Kepler said.
“Putting on a façade by dressing different than you usually would dress, or putting in way more effort than you usually would, is kind of like false advertising,” she said. “You shouldn’t have to drastically change your appearance to attract a partner and putting yourself in that mindset doesn’t help your self-esteem while on a date.”
Read the entire article here.
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/in In the Media“Danielle Kepler LCPC, who specializes in couples counseling, also said that repairing before, during and after an argument is vital. It helps you have productive conversations and reduces the tendency of being critical or defensive. “When people feel like their partner is attacking them, they physiologically are unable to take in what the other person is saying due to perceiving their partner as a threat.”
Repairing during an argument might be saying, “I’m feeling really defensive right now, can you reword that last part?” Repairing after an argument includes reflecting on your own. You might think about what happened during the argument to trigger you—exploring whether you’ve felt this way before, as a child or in past relationships.
Then you and your partner process the argument together. Both of you talk about the mistakes you made, and genuinely apologize (by fully understanding and acknowledging how each of you hurt the other). Doing so helps “to wipe the slate clean and not hold onto negative feelings towards one another,” Kepler said.”
Read the entire article here.
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/in In the MediaI contributed the following to a Huffington Post article about stonewalling, one of Joh Gottman’s Four Horsemen:
“2. Be aware of the physical reaction you have before you stonewall.
“If you’re a stonewaller, you usually have an internal physiological reaction (increased heart-rate or rapid breathing, for instance) and an external reaction right before you close up: Maybe you physically turn away from your partner or close your eyes and deeply sigh. These are all signs your partner needs to start paying attention to. Discuss what you do during times of distress so you both can recognize the stonewalling warning signs.” ― Danielle Kepler, a therapist in Chicago, Illinois”
You can read the full article here.