The Importance of Emotional Connection During Everyday Activities

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It sounds so simple, right? Of course you should spend time with your significant other! You might spend a great deal of time together already! But ask yourself this, is it meaningful? Does it allow you and your partner to emotionally connect? John Gottman calls this “putting deposits in the emotional bank account” and this allows you to bounce back after the next big argument. Think back to the last time you and your partner spent time together. Was your partner emotionally “there” for you during the time? Were you emotionally “there” for your partner?

Take watching your favorite TV show together. Sure, you might both laugh at the same time at something funny that happens or you might both relate to what happened in that episode, but do you take the time to connect during or after the show or do you go your separate ways afterwards?

As people get more comfortable in their relationships and routines are in place, the emotional connection could decrease. I’m not saying that you stop spending time together (although you might!), but you may not be as emotionally present for one another as you were when you were first dating. Instead of reading and discussing the news, you may read the news silently. Instead of talking about the TV episode you watched, you may turn the TV off and go to bed.

To rectify this, in a therapy session I have couples identify what they currently do every day to connect with one another or their “rituals of connection” as John Gottman puts it. These can be simple, everyday occurrences such as making breakfast together, cuddling before waking up, greeting each other when you come home from work, or watching the evening news together. If you and your partner cannot think of any ways you connect throughout the day, you can think about what you used to do when you were first dating and why that was special to you. It is helpful to identify what you are currently doing to connect with one another and why it is meaningful to you. That way your partner knows that you value this activity and you keep doing it! Couples often surprise each other during this exercise. Often, one partner finds a great deal of meaning in something when the other had no idea!

Then the couple identifies activities that they would like to do in the future in which they would like their partner to be more emotionally “there” for them. This is an important activity to do. Even if you have been together for 40 years, your partner cannot read your mind! Keep in mind this is not an activity that allows you to criticize your partner for all of the things you are not doing together; it is one that allows you to say “I love you so much, I want your full emotional presence when we do X” or “I love doing this activity and I really want you emotionally there to share it with me.” It also allows you to know ahead of time what activities are important to your partner and which activities they would be hoping you were more emotionally present for. This allows you to prevent a “withdrawal” from the emotional bank account in the future and could even lead to a deposit!

Remember, every interaction can be made into a way to have a deeper emotional connection with your partner. In doing so, this helps keep the friendship strong, which is the foundation of a supportive and healthy relationship.

Happy connecting, everyone!

 

You are NOT Your Mental Illness

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I was walking home yesterday and I heard a man on his phone say “My back is bothering me again, so I thought I’d call and get it checked out.” I can assume he was talking to his doctor or chiropractor. This got me thinking about how his conversation would have been different had he been calling a therapist (or any mental health professional). Would he feel comfortable having the same conversation talking about his anxiety, (“My anxiety is acting up again, so I thought I’d call and get it checked out”) in a public place with a handful of people able to hear his conversation? Maybe, but most likely not.

The initial phone calls I receive from clients are ones with hushed voices or sometimes tears. Most people don’t even call, they opt for e-mailing instead. This got me thinking or should I say hoping that one day people will be able to freely have that conversation with a therapist just like they would a back doctor without the shame or stigma attached.

One of the most memorable moments in my training as a therapist was when I was an intern during the summer between my junior and senior years of college. I was working in a partial hospitalization program at a local hospital. While I was observing a group psychotherapy session, all of a sudden the therapist slammed his hand down on the table and said (in a very loud voice) “NO! You are NOT bipolar. Bipolar disorder is something you have, NOT something you are and since you have it you can manage it. The fact that you have bipolar disorder does not and should not define who you are as a person.” That moment really stuck with me and still does to this day.

So often, we use mental illness as an adjective or a word that describes a noun (usually ourselves or another person) when in fact if you look up “anxiety” in the dictionary it states “noun 1. a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” or “depression” as “noun 1. the state of feeling sad.” Sure, depressed is technically an adjective. But I hope you see my point here. When did society start defining themselves by their current mental state and making it more of a permanent attribute when it really is not? People already define themselves by their current careers, much to their detriment. I can only imagine the harm defining yourself by your current mental state. It leaves very little room for flexibility (career-wise or mental-state wise!) to even think of yourself in any other way.

I like to do my part in separating clients from their mental illness (making it a noun and not an adjective) and I correct them when they say “I am depressed” by saying “You have depression” or “You are experiencing anxiety” rather than “I am anxious.” I also give this little word game as homework to clients so that they can start the shift and start seeing their current mental state as temporary and not something that has to define them. Hopefully people will soon reference mental illness like they do physical illness “I have a backache” “I have a cold” “I have anxiety.” I have never heard anyone say “I am a backache.”

Hopefully this post leaves you with the take-home that one’s current mental state does not have to define him or her. It’s as simple as switching a few words around in your lexicon to begin making that change.

 

5 Common Obstacles That Stop You From Practicing Mindfulness and How to Overcome Them

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One of the first skills I often teach is mindfulness since it has many different uses and benefits. A simple definition of mindfulness would be focusing on one thing at a time, in the present moment, with awareness and acceptance. There are two main types of mindfulness: informal and formal. Informal mindfulness practice involves taking something you are already doing such as taking a shower, eating breakfast, or walking to work, and trying to do it more mindfully with awareness of what you are experiencing in the present moment. Formal mindfulness practices occur when you take five or so minutes and practice focusing on the present moment whether it is focusing on your breathing, an object, your pulse, etc. Meditation would be more of a formal mindfulness practice.

 

Just like any new skill, mindfulness can be very hard to implement and incorporate into your life. I like to practice mindfulness myself and often run into the same problems my clients do when trying to practice. Here are a few of the common obstacles I have found clients (as well as myself) have encountered throughout the years.

 

“I can’t do it.”

When clients tell me this, what they often really mean is that they find it very hard to do. Think of mindfulness like you think about working out. Most people find working out hard to do at first, but if you keep at it, it gets easier. The same goes for mindfulness. The key is to keep practicing in spite of it being hard.

 

“I don’t have time.”

This is often my problem with mindfulness! It’s also the easiest to fix! You do not have to take time out of your day to practice mindfulness. You can do it with any activity, anywhere, anytime! That’s the beauty of informal mindfulness — taking an activity you already do and doing it more mindfully. One of my favorite informal mindfulness exercises to do is to pet my cat mindfully. Often I pet her so she will stop annoying me, but when I turn it into a mindfulness exercise for myself, I focus on what her fur feels like beneath my hand, listen to the sounds she makes (if any), and look at the features of her face. When you are practicing formal mindfulness, it also does not have to be for a long period of time. Customize the length of time to suite your needs. I often practice focusing on my breathing for 2 minutes.

 

“I can’t stay focused!”

This is another one of my favorite problems. Not being able to focus is perfectly normal! Our minds are thinking a million different thoughts a day! It’s what our minds are designed to do!  The key here is to throw your agenda and expectations out the window. Holding onto goals such as being able to focus actually get in the way of being able to be in the present moment. Mindfulness is less about staying focused and more about noticing (without judgement) when your mind drifts and bringing it back to the present moment.

 

“When I practice, I start to think of things I don’t want to think about (grief, sadness).”

Part of mindfulness is training your mind so that you are in control! Mindfulness is not about avoiding or suppressing painful thoughts or emotions, it is about accepting them and not judging whatever comes up. If you are practicing mindfulness and focusing on certain things (sounds etc.) brings your mind back to past painful events, it won’t be helpful to let your mind take you where it wants you to go (back to that loss etc.).  So instead of letting your mind take you to an unhelpful place, simply acknowledge your thoughts and focus your attention back to the exercise.  Being able to realize when your mind drifts and bringing it back to the present moment is one of the most powerful aspects of mindfulness. Once you have completed the exercise, you can explore the feelings that arose.

 

“It makes me tired.”

For people with sleeping problems, drifting off to sleep while practicing mindfulness might be a good thing! You can practice it before bed and get to sleep faster. But mindfulness is being aware of the present moment, and how can you be aware if you are asleep? Relaxation is not the goal of mindfulness, but it is often a secondary benefit because people often choose relaxing activities such as mindfulness exercises (taking a bath, focusing on your breath, body scans). Some people are so busy in their lives and don’t spend time focusing on one thing that when they finally do this, they get bored and sleepy. The key is to treat feeling tired or bored like any other urge. Make room for it, acknowledge it, and focus your attention back to the exercise.

 

Hopefully these common obstacles and solutions will help you further your mindfulness practice! Don’t give up! With more practice, you will soon be the master of your own mind! For a quick introduction to mindfulness, check out this video.

 

 

 

Tips on How To Re-do Your To-Do List

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Common problem, right?  So much on your “to-do” list, but not enough motivation to get anything done. One look at your “to-do” list sends you looking for something else to do instead. I used to do this constantly. I’d make long “to-do” lists, take one look at them and my mind would start coming up with its own list — the “reasons why not to do my to-do” list. My “to-do” list that I made in hopes of motivating myself suddenly did the opposite! I started thinking thoughts such as “I will not have enough time to get everything done,” As well as,  “I think (insert the first thing on the list) will take too much effort.” Does your mind come up with similar thoughts when faced with your daily “to-do” list?

The solution? Well, you could stop these thoughts from happening (not likely), power through and not let these thoughts affect you or change up your “to-do” list.

For the sake of this post, I’m going to opt to do the third option. Let’s take an average “to-do” list and tweak it a bit as to not get so overwhelmed, discouraged, and unmotivated by the actual list.

To-Do:

  • Catch up on bills for 2 hours
  • Exercise for 1 hour
  • Go to the grocery store
  • Clean the house

Wow, just looking at the small list I’ve made gets me a bit overwhelmed! While this list is fairly specific, I find the time limits of one and two hours to be a bit constricting and daunting. Bills for two hours? No, thank you! Cleaning the house? Right away my mind is saying “I really do not feel up to cleaning the whole house.”

The usual acronym when setting goals is SMART or Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. I really like to focus on the first four letters. I feel like people get confused with the time-bound piece and adding a time constraint or a “time due” can be un-motivating.

What is helpful to do with a list like this is to break the goals down into even smaller tasks (specific and attainable) thus being able to get rid of the timeframes. Let’s start breaking some tasks down. “Catch up on bills” can be broken down to “pay the cable, gas, and electric bill” and clean the house could be broken down to “clean the kitchen and living room.” Notice I am not saying you have to pay all of the bills, just three. Nor am I saying you have to clean the whole house, just two rooms, which seems more manageable. Plus, you might even get into a rhythm and keep cleaning, but you cannot find this rhythm if you are unmotivated by reading your “to-do” list. You can also break down the exercise task to a more specific “do favorite workout video.”

Another tip: organize your list in order of importance and urgency. Tasks that are more important and more urgent should be done first (I like to highlight or star these items) and should be at the top of the list. A task of going to the grocery store can seem less daunting if you prepare a list ahead of time (and bring it!).

Lastly, I always like to write a few keywords about why I am doing these tasks in the first place, values, if you will. These words help keep me on task and motivate me. For this list, I’ll use responsible, healthy, and peace. Paying bills makes me feel responsible, when I go grocery shopping I tend to make healthier choices about what I am eating, and having a clean kitchen/living room helps me feel more at peace in my home.

Let’s re-write this to-do list:

  • Pay the cable, gas, and electric bill
  • Go to the grocery store (bring list!)
  • Do favorite workout video
  • Clean the kitchen and living room
  • Responsible, Healthy, Peace

Doesn’t this list seem more doable? Sure, there are fewer tasks and you might not “clean the whole house” in one day, but this new list seems to be a great deal more motivating. Plus, you will get more satisfaction when you cross more tasks off your list rather than looking at your list and realizing you did not “pay all the bills.” If you stick to broader more complicated tasks, you might not complete them.

“To-do” lists are great, if you know how to word them for success and motivation! Happy list making!

Tired of Arguing About Nothing in Your Relationship?

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There are thousands of different ways we ask for attention from our partner or significant other. Some of us may resort to calling each other on the phone or greeting each other with a “Hey, I’m home” when we get home from work. These days it might be through a text message, a “like” on Facebook or a “tweet” on Twitter. No matter how we reach out to our partner, the reason behind it is still the same — we are seeking attention and affirmation.

John Gottman calls these moments “bids for attention.” These little bids might not seem like a big deal, but they add up after a while and can be the difference between feeling supported and cared for by your partner or feeling unhappy and alone in your relationship. In his research, he discusses how arguments or fights are usually started over one person getting upset because the other did not “answer their bid” or give them attention when they reached out for it.

Why do these failed bids result in arguments? Most bids are not delivered overtly;  they are subtle and can often be missed. Bids also may not be delivered so sweetly. A “Hi, I’m home and I want attention after my long day” is more often than not delivered in a “My day at work was horrible! I had back-to-back meetings and am so tired I can’t even think!” If I heard that from my partner, I certainly would not think that my partner wanted my attention!

People also make bids by exhibiting actions or behaviors. These are often very hard to ascertain. They could be made in the presence of a partner with a direct action such as sitting closer to him or her, holding the partner’s hand, hugging him or her or doing something less overt such as sighing. Bids can also be made in advance.  An example would be performing actions that would be helpful for the relationship or partner, such as making dinner, cleaning up, going to the store to get milk, planning a “date night” etc. What results in the arguments is the person that made the bid then gets angry when his or her efforts go unnoticed. Some people make their action bids more well known by throwing a “did you notice I unloaded the dishwasher?” question out there, but usually, nothing is said and those failed bids just keep piling up. These failed bids add up to consequences where the partner who is not getting his or her bids answered becomes more sensitive to the failed bids and usually picks a fight over something they normally wouldn’t pick a fight about. This is when I usually hear the “our fights come out of nowhere” comment from couples.  The fights do not come out of nowhere; they result from one person not getting attention when they bid for it.

An even trickier bid for attention, and in my opinion, the most likely bids to result in an argument, are those bids that we make when we try to get attention by making our partner jealous. If you are not getting attention from your partner, you might be more aware of getting attention elsewhere. Just like the “did you notice I unloaded the dishwasher” comment, one might also point out to a partner “a good-looking woman hit on me today and asked for my number.” What do both of these comments have in common? Both have hidden meanings. Both are saying “I want attention from you.” Why bring up the attention from someone else if you did not want the comment to result in an increase in attention from your partner? Granted, the latter might bring on the emotion of jealousy that clouds the ability to recognize the bid for attention. Just like that bid was not delivered sweetly, the attention from the partner might not be delivered so sweetly either. After all, getting angry at your partner is a form of attention. So the bid did result in attention, but not the kind that was probably wanted.

Why are so many bids (especially bids that involve jealousy) missed? Is it because admitting that we want attention and affirmation from our partners leaves us vulnerable or sounding weak? Is it because simply asking our partner for attention seems silly or childish?

I would argue that if more people started flat out saying to their partners “I want attention” that this would result in the partner answering that bid and giving attention. Try it sometime when you notice your bid is not getting “answered.” Instead of starting an argument, say what you are really desiring, attention.

 

The Struggle with Being an Authentic Therapist

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Authenticity is a topic I discuss with clients on a weekly basis — how to be your “true self” and why people struggle so much with this. I believe the first struggle lies with knowing which version of “self” to be at any given time. A person is many selves throughout the day depending on the roles they play and who they interact with during their day. They can be the “daughter or son self” the “wife or husband self” the “mother or father self” the “boss or employer self” the “friend or foe self.” I could go on and on and on listing roles that people play each day!  These roles themselves are also constantly evolving with each experience. How can you be true to a self that is constantly changing?

One version of myself that I believe I am fairly true to each day is my “therapist self.” This was certainly not always the case, especially when I was just starting out in the field. I would take theories that made the most sense to me and for my clients then do my best to apply interventions like Aaron Beck (CBT) or Carl Rogers (humanistic psychology). I’d read and try to memorize phrases, hoping to appear very knowledgable and insightful to my clients. I am not sure if it was a lack of experience or a lack of confidence in myself as a therapist that made me feel like I had to be a certain type of therapist.

This got old. Fast. I also soon became too busy to read textbooks every night and conceptualize the best interventions for each client down to every word. By far, one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever gotten was “the best therapist you can be is yourself.” It is sort of like that phrase “be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” This is very true for therapists as well. I could never have been Aaron Beck. Aaron Beck is Aaron Beck and I’m still me. Once I finally embraced this and let go of all of the “therapist selves” I thought I was supposed to be, my life in and out of session got easier. I started to come into my own and take the theories, interventions, and metaphors and put my own spin on them, adding my own humor and life experiences.

I also found that if am myself in a therapy session, that the clients picked up on this and were more of their true selves with me. They seemed to open more more and be more interospective. I hope  that I can create the type of space where someone can be his or her authentic self, at least for a hour. Hopefully, afterwards, they will struggle a little less with showing others that version of themselves outside of the therapy session.

Vulnerability During and After a Therapy Session

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One of the best TED talks I was ever introduced to was one by Brene Brown called “The Power of Vulnerability.” I’ve read a few of her books, but I still like to watch the TED talk every now and then to remind myself how important vulnerability is within the therapeutic setting.

I often have clients say to me in session “I’m sorry I was so emotional” or “I’m sorry I cried the whole time.” It’s interesting to me that clients feel the need to apologize for their vulnerability during session. I can definitely see why they do this. Most people were raised not to express vulnerable emotions, weaknesses, and flaws. Having to do just that while in therapy for one hour each week or so can be incredibly intimidating! I remember I had one client who said he needed to “take time” after our sessions because he was not used to telling anyone, let alone someone he didn’t really know, about his unpleasant emotions and flaws.

I am always careful not to placate or invalidate a client’s vulnerability by saying “it’s ok.” Instead, I try to thank them for trusting me enough to be vulnerable in session because that is what I need to see in order for clients to make changes in their life. As a therapist, it is often difficult for me to sit with my clients when they are so vulnerable. In a way, I empathize so much, that I start to feel vulnerable myself. This is a process for me and for every therapist.

I believe that once you can have a vulnerable conversation, one where you express and sit with your true and unpleasant feelings/thoughts, in the therapeutic setting, you can start to be vulnerable in your every day life. State dependent learning anyone? Take that client I mentioned earlier, he was exercising his “vulnerability muscle” if you will. Soon, he was able to have more emotion-focused conversations with his wife, where he would admit his insecurities about their marriage. This brought them closer and wouldn’t have happened had he not practiced and become more comfortable with being vulnerable.

My challenge to you, is to make yourself emotionally vulnerable to someone once a week to start flexing your “vulnerability muscle.” For me, this is usually admitting to someone that I do not know the answer and will have to look it up, asking for directions, or admitting I was not fully listening to a friend or family member when they were speaking. Each time I do something like this, I become more comfortable with being emotionally vulnerable and I would hope this makes me more equipped to sit with vulnerability in the therapy room. My hope is that it would also allow my clients to be more vulnerable with me in session. After all, if you cannot be vulnerable with your therapist, who is un-biased and non-judgmental, with whom can you be?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Portrayed in Grey’s Anatomy Scene

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Does anyone out there watch Grey’s Anatomy? If not, no judgment, if so, no judgment. I was catching up on episodes when I came across this scene that was so on the money with a type of therapy I use in session that it inspired me to wrote a post!

To set the scene for those who are not familiar, (or who have not seen the episode–SPOILER ALERT!!) Amelia, whose brother just tragically died, tells Owen that she is handling it very well and is doing “amazingly.” She also admits to have gotten some prescription drugs that she might take (she is a former prescription drug addict) due to not being able to “manage” her emotions anymore.

Owen (in a very Acceptance and Commitment Therapy kind of way) explains that grieving after the loss of a loved one is very “normal” and that feeling sadness/pain is a part of life. Instead of allowing painful emotions and feelings to happen and moving through the pain, he realized that they both run from their pain. She takes prescription medication and bottles up her emotions. He enrolled in the army again and leaves the country on duty. He expressed that they are supposed to “feel, love, hurt, grieve” and they are “supposed to break” and that that is the whole point of being alive. Owen, I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Clients often say to me in session, “I wish I never felt sad again” or “I wish I never felt heartache again.” That’s all fine, but personally, I would choose to feel painful emotions. If we allow ourselves to feel pain and work through it, we give up the struggle with the painful emotion and are better able to move past it. If one never feels pain or unpleasant emotions they also block out the ability to feel the pleasant ones such as joy, love, and happiness.

Who would have thought– all that insight in one Grey’s Anatomy clip!

Note: This clip seems to no longer be available on Youtube. Sorry!

How Climbing Mt. Rainier Strengthened My Marriage

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This past weekend I did something I thought I’d never do — mountain climb. My husband has been, to put it nicely, obsessed with Mt. Rainier for a long time. When he asked if I would “hike” with him on our trip to Seattle, I agreed, not knowing what I was really signing up for.

What I thought I signed up for was a tricky hike alongside a mountain. What I got was snowshoeing for 5 hours,  at times at a 45 degree incline! The weather was phenomenal (65 and sunny!), so it was about 40% physical struggle and 60% psychological/mental struggle. I found that if I kept my focus a few inches ahead of where I was walking, I did not psych myself out as much by looking too far ahead (at the very steep mountain) or too far behind (at the very steep mountain).

I don’t know about you, but when I am put in situations where my life feels threatened, I tend to lash out (i.e. yell) at the person who put my life in danger. In this case, it was my husband. We had almost reached our destination, Panorama Point, when I slipped and fell, keeping myself from sliding down the snow-covered mountain using my knees and trekking poles. I fell into the snow and couldn’t move. This is when the lashing out really started. Even though my husband had stopped me from sliding further down the mountain, that didn’t stop me from telling him how much I regretted doing the climb and how much he was not being helpful to me at the time. What can I say? I’m only human!

My husband recognized that I was “freaking out” and asked another climber to assist me by making foot holds so that I could stand back up and continue ascending. “She’s not listening to me at this point,” he told the helpful stranger, “so maybe she will listen to you.” Of course, I wasn’t listening to him! I had lost confidence in my ability to climb further and truly wanted to call it quits! I was also mad at him for even fathoming doing such a dangerous task in the first place! Once I realized that I could in fact get myself standing, I began climbing slowly up. With the encouragement of my husband, I continued to climb until we both safely reached the top of the point.

It was then that I realized how proud I was of my husband. When I was clearly being critical of him, he did not get defensive and make the situation worse. Instead he recognized the frightened state I was in and did not personalize what I was saying to him. Without his encouragement, I would have never gotten over my fall and would have never believed in myself enough to continue climbing. He really does have a special gift to not personalize my attacks. If he had, both of us probably would have slid down further, not reached our destination, and felt defeated. Instead, I felt triumphant and accomplished!

I’d like to think that he is able to handle these situations so well because I am such a gifted couples therapist, but some skills just can’t be taught. Talk about an awesome shared experience! This has been one we will remember for the rest of our lives. When he asked if I’d like to go back, “You bet,” I said. “As soon as possible!”

Next destination will be Camp Muir and who knows, maybe someday the Mt. Rainier Summit!

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.” ~ Confucius

View from Panorama Point on Mt. Rainier

Picture taken of view from Panorama Point on Mt. Rainier

 

 

Welcoming New Hellos

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It has been difficult for me to say goodbye to the clients I have gotten to know for the past three years. These clients have shared with me their struggles, triumphs, their secrets, and their pain. I am forever grateful for the therapeutic relationships I have formed. I learn something new every day from a client and I make it a point to tell them that –whether it is a new restaurant, book, TV show, or way of thinking about the world.

A friend of mine recently said, “Attachment is a funny beast. Through the ebb and flow of life our attachments whittle closer to our core, becoming a complex source of compassion, pleasure, and pain.”  I’ve become attached to my clients.

Many clients see their therapist as a constant support in their life, someone who will always be there, even if they are not. They get attached. Attachment makes it hard to say goodbye. To anyone who has ever seen a therapist, and had that therapist leave their place of work, please know this process is just as hard on the therapist as it is on the client.

One of my favorite quotes is by William James: “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us” and I believe I did just that. New beginnings mean new attachments, I believe I am ready. I am welcoming new hellos!