Vulnerability During and After a Therapy Session

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One of the best TED talks I was ever introduced to was one by Brene Brown called “The Power of Vulnerability.” I’ve read a few of her books, but I still like to watch the TED talk every now and then to remind myself how important vulnerability is within the therapeutic setting.

I often have clients say to me in session “I’m sorry I was so emotional” or “I’m sorry I cried the whole time.” It’s interesting to me that clients feel the need to apologize for their vulnerability during session. I can definitely see why they do this. Most people were raised not to express vulnerable emotions, weaknesses, and flaws. Having to do just that while in therapy for one hour each week or so can be incredibly intimidating! I remember I had one client who said he needed to “take time” after our sessions because he was not used to telling anyone, let alone someone he didn’t really know, about his unpleasant emotions and flaws.

I am always careful not to placate or invalidate a client’s vulnerability by saying “it’s ok.” Instead, I try to thank them for trusting me enough to be vulnerable in session because that is what I need to see in order for clients to make changes in their life. As a therapist, it is often difficult for me to sit with my clients when they are so vulnerable. In a way, I empathize so much, that I start to feel vulnerable myself. This is a process for me and for every therapist.

I believe that once you can have a vulnerable conversation, one where you express and sit with your true and unpleasant feelings/thoughts, in the therapeutic setting, you can start to be vulnerable in your every day life. State dependent learning anyone? Take that client I mentioned earlier, he was exercising his “vulnerability muscle” if you will. Soon, he was able to have more emotion-focused conversations with his wife, where he would admit his insecurities about their marriage. This brought them closer and wouldn’t have happened had he not practiced and become more comfortable with being vulnerable.

My challenge to you, is to make yourself emotionally vulnerable to someone once a week to start flexing your “vulnerability muscle.” For me, this is usually admitting to someone that I do not know the answer and will have to look it up, asking for directions, or admitting I was not fully listening to a friend or family member when they were speaking. Each time I do something like this, I become more comfortable with being emotionally vulnerable and I would hope this makes me more equipped to sit with vulnerability in the therapy room. My hope is that it would also allow my clients to be more vulnerable with me in session. After all, if you cannot be vulnerable with your therapist, who is un-biased and non-judgmental, with whom can you be?

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Portrayed in Grey’s Anatomy Scene

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Does anyone out there watch Grey’s Anatomy? If not, no judgment, if so, no judgment. I was catching up on episodes when I came across this scene that was so on the money with a type of therapy I use in session that it inspired me to wrote a post!

To set the scene for those who are not familiar, (or who have not seen the episode–SPOILER ALERT!!) Amelia, whose brother just tragically died, tells Owen that she is handling it very well and is doing “amazingly.” She also admits to have gotten some prescription drugs that she might take (she is a former prescription drug addict) due to not being able to “manage” her emotions anymore.

Owen (in a very Acceptance and Commitment Therapy kind of way) explains that grieving after the loss of a loved one is very “normal” and that feeling sadness/pain is a part of life. Instead of allowing painful emotions and feelings to happen and moving through the pain, he realized that they both run from their pain. She takes prescription medication and bottles up her emotions. He enrolled in the army again and leaves the country on duty. He expressed that they are supposed to “feel, love, hurt, grieve” and they are “supposed to break” and that that is the whole point of being alive. Owen, I couldn’t have said it better myself!

Clients often say to me in session, “I wish I never felt sad again” or “I wish I never felt heartache again.” That’s all fine, but personally, I would choose to feel painful emotions. If we allow ourselves to feel pain and work through it, we give up the struggle with the painful emotion and are better able to move past it. If one never feels pain or unpleasant emotions they also block out the ability to feel the pleasant ones such as joy, love, and happiness.

Who would have thought– all that insight in one Grey’s Anatomy clip!

Note: This clip seems to no longer be available on Youtube. Sorry!

How Climbing Mt. Rainier Strengthened My Marriage

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This past weekend I did something I thought I’d never do — mountain climb. My husband has been, to put it nicely, obsessed with Mt. Rainier for a long time. When he asked if I would “hike” with him on our trip to Seattle, I agreed, not knowing what I was really signing up for.

What I thought I signed up for was a tricky hike alongside a mountain. What I got was snowshoeing for 5 hours,  at times at a 45 degree incline! The weather was phenomenal (65 and sunny!), so it was about 40% physical struggle and 60% psychological/mental struggle. I found that if I kept my focus a few inches ahead of where I was walking, I did not psych myself out as much by looking too far ahead (at the very steep mountain) or too far behind (at the very steep mountain).

I don’t know about you, but when I am put in situations where my life feels threatened, I tend to lash out (i.e. yell) at the person who put my life in danger. In this case, it was my husband. We had almost reached our destination, Panorama Point, when I slipped and fell, keeping myself from sliding down the snow-covered mountain using my knees and trekking poles. I fell into the snow and couldn’t move. This is when the lashing out really started. Even though my husband had stopped me from sliding further down the mountain, that didn’t stop me from telling him how much I regretted doing the climb and how much he was not being helpful to me at the time. What can I say? I’m only human!

My husband recognized that I was “freaking out” and asked another climber to assist me by making foot holds so that I could stand back up and continue ascending. “She’s not listening to me at this point,” he told the helpful stranger, “so maybe she will listen to you.” Of course, I wasn’t listening to him! I had lost confidence in my ability to climb further and truly wanted to call it quits! I was also mad at him for even fathoming doing such a dangerous task in the first place! Once I realized that I could in fact get myself standing, I began climbing slowly up. With the encouragement of my husband, I continued to climb until we both safely reached the top of the point.

It was then that I realized how proud I was of my husband. When I was clearly being critical of him, he did not get defensive and make the situation worse. Instead he recognized the frightened state I was in and did not personalize what I was saying to him. Without his encouragement, I would have never gotten over my fall and would have never believed in myself enough to continue climbing. He really does have a special gift to not personalize my attacks. If he had, both of us probably would have slid down further, not reached our destination, and felt defeated. Instead, I felt triumphant and accomplished!

I’d like to think that he is able to handle these situations so well because I am such a gifted couples therapist, but some skills just can’t be taught. Talk about an awesome shared experience! This has been one we will remember for the rest of our lives. When he asked if I’d like to go back, “You bet,” I said. “As soon as possible!”

Next destination will be Camp Muir and who knows, maybe someday the Mt. Rainier Summit!

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.” ~ Confucius

View from Panorama Point on Mt. Rainier

Picture taken of view from Panorama Point on Mt. Rainier

 

 

Welcoming New Hellos

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It has been difficult for me to say goodbye to the clients I have gotten to know for the past three years. These clients have shared with me their struggles, triumphs, their secrets, and their pain. I am forever grateful for the therapeutic relationships I have formed. I learn something new every day from a client and I make it a point to tell them that –whether it is a new restaurant, book, TV show, or way of thinking about the world.

A friend of mine recently said, “Attachment is a funny beast. Through the ebb and flow of life our attachments whittle closer to our core, becoming a complex source of compassion, pleasure, and pain.”  I’ve become attached to my clients.

Many clients see their therapist as a constant support in their life, someone who will always be there, even if they are not. They get attached. Attachment makes it hard to say goodbye. To anyone who has ever seen a therapist, and had that therapist leave their place of work, please know this process is just as hard on the therapist as it is on the client.

One of my favorite quotes is by William James: “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us” and I believe I did just that. New beginnings mean new attachments, I believe I am ready. I am welcoming new hellos!